I grew up amidst Chinese culture, in a Lower Eastside apartment, 5 minutes away from Chinatown. Chinese was my first language, Lunar New Year was my favorite holiday, ribbon dancing was my first performance, and Peking Duck was my favorite food.
Up until I was three years old, I was raised by my grandparents. Only speaking Chinese, I slowly picked up three dialects of Chinese – Fuzhounese, Mandarin, and Cantonese. At their house, I first learned how to use chopsticks, how to make fried rice, and how to use the abacus – a calculating tool used in ancient China. Every day I would smell whatever Chinese dish wafting throughout the house.
By the time I was three, I moved in with my parents and was sent to Transfiguration – a Catholic private school on Mott street of Chinatown. There, I was one of many other Chinese students and seamlessly fit in. I went to bilingual mass, learned how to ribbon dance, and took extracurriculars such as ribbon dancing and Chinese paper cutting.
On the way to school, one of my most resonant memories was counting the BBQ roasted ducks in the restaurant windows. Being ethnically Han, and speaking Chinese was my identity. It was my source of pride, and doing Chinese activities was how I differentiated myself from others.
However, this all changed when my parents decided to move us to Long Island for more space and a better school. Like a fish out of water, I wondered why I was the only Chinese girl in my class and one of two in my grade. Being Chinese no longer was a mechanism for me to fit in.
I yearned so desperately to fit in that fact that I was different became a source of shame. I so hopelessly wanted to have the blonde hair and blue eyes that everyone else had in my class. Consequently, I began to speak Chinese less at home and adopt more “Western” mannerisms. Obliviously, I was losing myself and the pride I once felt for being me.
These feelings all changed at one pivotal moment – when my parents presented a cultural presentation about China in my class. When they walked into the classroom, I was tremendously shocked. As my parents zipped through their PowerPoint, I was reminded of the thousands of years old civilization of China, of how it was the source of the “four great inventions” – papermaking, the compass, gunpowder, and printing, and why I was originally so proud of being Chinese.
From then onward, I began to embrace my diverse background. I proudly brought my fried rice to lunch and began to take Chinese cultural classes out of school. Soon, I took Chinese paper cutting classes, 武术 (Wushu, or Chinese Kungfu), and abacus simultaneously.
However, by then I had forgotten a substantial portion of the Chinese language. Determined to unearth this forgotten language within me, I had a private tutor, took Chinese enrichment classes in school, and was sent to Chinese Sunday school. Learning Chinese was the ultimate way for me to connect to my roots. It was the way I could communicate with my grandparents, great-grandma, and other relatives.
Besides the obvious benefits of learning Chinese, I continue to learn Chinese for an emotional connection to undoubtedly one of the most powerful civilizations in the world. It means to be part of something bigger and to continue a legacy started thousands of years ago. Most importantly, learning Chinese is a path of discovery and learning of my culture, my family, and my identity.
Very interesting article. I liked how you structured your story chronologically, so we can as well follow your journey from assimilating in the westernized environment to accepting your identity and embracing your culture. I can relate as a Chinese-American to your BBQ roasted duck memories and the cross-cultural blend that all Chinese-Americans feel. Keep up the great writing!
I love this anecdote Gloria! I can relate to this on a personal level in many ways. Chinese was also my first language because I grew up in a family that only spoke Chinese at home. However, when I started going to school in Jericho, I spoke less and less Chinese resulting in the great loss of what I already knew. I agree with you that you should be proud of being Chinese. I connected to my roots in a similar way you did by doing 武术。Learning Chinese is so important to me because I want to be able to talk to my grandparents, too.
Reading this felt so familiar to me in many ways. For one, my family also speaks Mandarin, Fuzhounese, and Cantonese. My entire family, as well as my extended family, are all from Fuzhou. My mother spent her high school years in Hong Kong and learned to speak Cantonese- my dad picked up the language from her. And of course, we speak Mandarin as well. However, growing up, I always spoke English but with simple Mandarin phrases here and there. To this day, there are only some Fuzhounese and Cantonese terms I can understand but only the utmost minority (I don’t even know the numbers). I lived in Queens until fifth grade, and funnily enough, I was telling my sister recently how abacus class was such a common thing when I lived there but since moving to Jericho, I haven’t heard the term in years. Moving piece, Gloria!
Those pictures are so adorable! It’s amazing how you can speak three dialects of Chinese! It’s difficult enough for me to try to learn Mandarin. This anecdote was very eye-opening. After reading it, I feel like I understand a lot more about why you’re so interested in learning Chinese.
Thank you for sharing your story! I remember feeling the same as you did. When I entered kindergarten in Jericho, I remember being one of the few Asians in my grade, and I was so jealous of everyone’s blue eyes. I was raised speaking Chinese, so I didn’t know any English either. It made communicating with my teacher and classmates very difficult, and it made me feel even smaller than I already did. For a period of time, I really did hate being Chinese and so “different” from everyone else. Now, I embrace being Chinese and being able to speak the language. Again, thank you for sharing!
my story is kind of similar to your, when I was young, I lived with my grandparents. I was born in China, because when I come here at 10 year old, most of the Chinese have been forgotten. So now I want to get my own culture back and also learn more about my cultures .
Great written story! I can relate because I grew up similarly. Chinese was my first language and as I slowly began to adapt to western ways such as speaking English, my speaking skills slowly began to diminish. I believe learning Chinese not only to talk, read, and understand but to be fluent as you can is very important to anyone with a Chinese background. I found it unique that you understand how to use the abacus tool because I would always see them in old Chinese movie but never understood what or how to use it. keep up the great work for years to come.
I can definitely relate to your story. Growing up in Brooklyn, I mainly spoke Cantonese at home with my parents. When I went to school, most of my fellow students spoke English so I started to transition from Cantonese to English. Then, I moved to Jericho and I just stopped speaking Cantonese altogether. Now, I am in my last year of high school hoping to relearn the Chinese language.
这篇自传写的很好！它开头详细讲述了你的童年生活，比如你如何学会了使用方言，筷子以及算盘。其中还提供了你童年时期的一些照片，包括你写过的文章等。你在文章中间提到你搬到一个全是外国人的地方读书。刚开始的时候你为了融入他们的生活渐渐忘记了如何说中文，但是后来当你被你父母点醒了后回忆起了你小时候学习过的和中文有关的东西。文章最后体现出了你学习汉语的决心。
Wow! A great story about growing up! Your struggle on trying to be like everyone else but then realizing that your diversity is what made you stand out was relatable to many Asian Americans growing up. I’m glad to hear you embraced the language and still pursuing it till this day.
I definitely relate to your article Gloria. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t take the time to speak and learn Chinese when I was younger, and I think about it all the time today. I also had similar experiences in elementary school. Growing up in Jericho, there weren’t many Asians in my classes and it was awkward fitting in, but I learned to take pride in my culture and I absolutely love going to China. This was a great article and probably helps explain the feelings of many Asians growing up in America.
I myself was raised in China for 15 years, looking back from now I am proud that I have learned Chinese as my language. First of all, Chinese is one of the hardest language to ever learn in the world so me growing up in China is a huge advantage because right now Chinese is basically fluent and I know how to read and write perfectly. Another reason why learning Chinese is good is because China have a really long culture, so the language itself contains a lot of different aspects to it. Lets take lyrics of a song for example, one sentence written in Chinese can have multiple different meanings camped to a sentence written in English. Nowadays, learning Chinese is crucial because it is starting to become one of the national languages in the world.